Words to Write
When I posted last, I thought things were largely out of my system and I was ready to resume my place in polite society (or, at the very least, make my internet presence more present than past). My actions were largely analog, save for research and replenishment of media and other assorted oddities digitally downloaded or delivered to my domain. To whit, I was not ready. I deluded myself and was self-aware enough to acknowledge the coping mechanism(s) in place.
I dare not tremble that house of cards, lest I make a greater mess.
I wrote. I set aside Oblivion for a time (both in a literal and symbolic sense, though it still clung to me), and worked on another matter, an introspective matter. A thread leading to the past and to the future, for such is the illusion of time. I wrote of pasts that never were and futures yet to be. And in this mess of words, I found my humanity day by dragging day.
Now don’t imagine I lived these days in black and white squalor. Don’t romanticize the situation. I wrote on my phone or tablet or computer or notecards and internalized my memories of mortality and kept the brave face. I’m well enough now to acknowledge this is a touch of a struggle to communicate. Not because I don’t want to communicate, I just don’t want to dwell so much on such intimate and mundane matters as life and death and the indiginities of time. There are games to play. There are words to write.
And I know there would be this hurdle to face once more. That’s where the recursion comes in. I’ve been longing to resume my digital presence once again, yet I did not know when to begin. I told myself time and again, this coming Monday, but never did it. This went on for some months. Then, I told myself the first of this day or that day, and finally just decided to let it be natural and not force it. I decided that a few days ago. I gave myself permission to exit the quiet sanctity of my own imaginary worlds and venture out once more into the real. During all this time, I have been working on stuff, refining stuff, letting concepts tumble about my mind, and spill upon the page (for pruning or polish as the case may be).
There are things to talk about. Worlds to explore. Games to play. Words to write.